I am the bloodline decedent and some have claimed I am the Sir Rockabuilt Von Jagger second coming. I say that is hogwash. I am my own man and always have been. I was born prematurely at 13 pounds 7 ounces when my Mother forced the doctors to induce labor because my man-child beard was rubbing her womb raw. Feeling terrible for causing her so much pain, upon delivery I fired the entire doctor staff for not inducing sooner. They never worked in medicine again.
I had a typical childhood- an occasional mission to the moon, a few OSCARs for my various works in all-time-best box office sellers, and a Nobel prize or two. By 13 I had ventured to the furthest reaches of the world in search of spiritual enlightenment where I perfected the art of reaching Nirvana. Sharing my secret with the good people of Bonawitisika, they made me their king (It's more of a figurehead position, I don't do much ruling).
My teenage years were full of championship rings, war metals, and honing my superb sexual prowess. I once made the Queen Mother blush by simply acknowledging her presence. At 17 I taught Stephen Hawking quantum physics. At 19 I had to refuse to give Slash guitar lessons due to the abnormal mating habits of the humpback whale.
The escapades of my twenties have been classified due to both national security and out of respect for Steven Spielberg as he's trying to culminate his career by making a trilogy of my life. I assure you, these years have been equally as impressive.
Ever been to Cabo Wabo? Haha, what a shit hole! I mean, the way everyone talks it up I expected to see Sammy in a top hat and cape serving drinks to Gerry Garcia and Mama Cass. No sir, it was more like Chris Carrabba in a speedo doing body shots with drunk college chicks. I did a 180 and got the fuck out of there. I'm not sure what kind of Mickey Mouse operation Hagar is running but that's no way to operate a respectable business. Shit, I can't imagine the liability on drunk college chicks. One of them gets knocked up by a local and suddenly she gets thrown in jail for smuggling illegals across the boarder. I don't know the facts or anything but I was talking to the boarder patrol while I was sitting in the integration room. They were ripping my car apart- said the dogs smelt something. I tell ya, that shit just won't leave the seats! I mean, I've been clean for at least three months now...
Did I ever tell you 'bout the time I met Axl Rose? Haha, that son of bitch is a few Mexicans short of a chalupa, if you know what I mean- weeohhh, complete wild man! He once had this chick up on the table dancin', she was shakin' her ass and everyone was hootin' and hollerin'- haha, never seen acid washed jeans so tight. All I could think of was Theo Huxtable, not many men have an ass like that. I'm not gay or anything, I just appreciate a good pair of jeans…
I banged Lita Ford. Yeah, it's true. Well, I mean, I had sex during one of her movies once. God she was a babe, that red hair and freckles. Never understood how she got involved with John Hughes, must have been dating the director or something. She was sweet though, wasn't she? Heard she ended up marrying the guy from the Wonder Years. Guess that bastard finally got the girl next door, haha, huh huh?
Hey man, take a look at this. Pretty gnarly scar huh? Haha, yeah, Ted Nugent did that. Caught an arrow right in the leg. Crazy back woods bastard was target shooting before a show. I happened to be hanging out back stage with one of his roadies, we had become friends at a roadies convention. Pretty sweet deal really, the union gets together once a year at the Marriot. Usually get some sort of lunch and they tell us not to lift with our back. Never mentioned anything about getting shot with arrows though, I guess I was the first.